God on high hear my prayer. In my need, you have always been there

At what point in life do we stop caring what they answer to "how are you?" is?
where does the unfeeling, calousness replae heartfelt worry and kind gestures?
where does one go when rock-bottom seems like a step up?

how can you ask for something that no one is willing to give?

spinning spinning spinning out of control.

i crave control

Lord, help me

its the story of my life and i cannot tell anyone
i wish i could just make someone understand
these thoughts just run across my mind, leaving footprints, impressions for me to analyze and ponder until i cant think about anything else anymore.

why does this happen to me?
not that i would wish it on anyone else.

where do you go when you just want to scream
what place is truly safe?

at this time i am stressed. im ready for the next two weeks to be over so that i can have my friends back and we will all be in happier moods
but i cant let this get to me. not just yet. somehow, im gonna hold on

there are few things in life that make me as happy as watching The Little Mermaid but nothing is how it seems lately. i really wish that people never thought bad things about me, its those things that i remember the most.

today we discussed judging others. you should know i judge you. and you


but especially myself

im glad no one reads this

so....i still have one of these....
im not sure how i feel about that.
I read so many of my old posts a couple of nights ago.
I used to be so dedicated..and oh man, i was awful
but some things i wrote scare me. scare me because i still feel that way, scare me because this is something that im realising i will have to deal with forever, its not just a phase or anything......and im never sure have found an appropriate way to "just deal"

hahaha, i still write in oddly vague terms. o man

two days shy of one year without posting here. HA!

its really funny, i couldn't ever remember my username.

oh well.

and im sorry there hasnt been a post here in forever and a day but i have a xanga....and a blog....and im in europe so ALL of those things come first

and now you dont even get an update if you are reading this, you are gonna get a rant, a wonderful rant about how nobody likes me, everybody hates me and i guess ill just go eat some fucking worms. i know thats not true but im just sick of being the third wheel. everywhere i go get left behind, even if its just walking, that makes me feel loved and wanted. i cant go anywhere with my best friend b/c she just ends up talking about a boy who she wont date and how he frustrates her and i just want to say THEN STOP HANGING OUT WITH HIM ALL THE FUCKING TIME maybe if you werent so close, you wouldnt be so frustrated. and maybe if he sucked up his hatred for the world, hed have more friends (but hes a different rant post alltogether....this ones about me dammit!)
today i found out someone purposefully wanted to ditch me...why i dont know and right now, even tho im sick and need to rest i feel ditched and its a lonely feeling, being left behind and unwanted
it would be nice to go home or see the faces of the people i miss and be able to hug them. im just so sick of seeing the same faces everyday and being afraid to bring things up that may cause a fight just becuase ill have to deal with them for another three weeks and that would be awkward.

dont treat me like i am beneath you, dont speak to me as if i am a child. i am sorry i dont unterstand things as quickly as you do, but there are many things i can do that you dont do as well.....how often do i make fun of you for those things? respect me. is that too much to ask for? calm down, dont get angry at every little thing it makes it so that when you really are angry....it doesnt even seem like you are .

we clearly need to talk

**rant over, you can return to your normal lj readinsgs now**

its been 28 weeks since i last updated this thing. really, i only keep it to look at others......
but if you were wondering im still alive, just got back from a weekend trip to searcy and am currently being the best babysitter in the world to my 9 yr old and 15 mo old cousins who are sleeping